Paratroopers.......Thursday 23rd April

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special
training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah,Pierre,"
asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible!
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E
dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle
platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp
five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp
ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above
ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely,
and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp
your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu,mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates....Sunday 19th April

An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah,
you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets,
and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy
among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have got down there; send
him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are
supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

Two women....Friday 17th April

Two women are sitting in a cafe chatting. The first women says to the
other, "I'm having a boob job."
The second woman says "I am having my arsehole bleached.
The first replies, "I can't imagine your husband with blond hair!"

Four married blokes go fishing...Thursday 16th April

After an hour, the following conversation took place:
Rod, the first bloke: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able
to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I
would paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second bloke, Kevin: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I
would build her new decking and a patio."
Third bloke, Dan: "You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke,
Jack, has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything
about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Jack said: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her arse and said: 'Fishing or
Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block'."

How yodelling was invented....Saturday 28th March

A man was travelling through Switzerland back during the Middle Ages.
Nightfall was approaching rapidly, and the weather was closing in and
he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the
farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him he was
welcome to sleep in the barn.
The man thanked him and went to the barn to bed down in the hay.
The farmer went back into his house where his daughter, coming down
the stairs, asked: "Who was that man going into the barn?"
"It's a traveller," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay the
night. I told him he could sleep in the barn.
"Did you offer the man anything to eat?" asked the daughter.
"No, I didn't," said the farmer. "Maybe I should have."
The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went
into the kitchen, cut some bread and cheese and took it out to the
barn.
She was in there for an hour before returning to the house with her
clothes all dishevelled, and with lots of straw tangled in her hair.
Right away, she went up to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why
their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer.
"I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took
him some food."
"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"
"No, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I'm going to
take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the
cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not
return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her
clothes were also messed up, and she had straw in her hair and she,
too went straight up to bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.
A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs.
She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back
into the house.
"Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer.
Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had
together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."
"What!!?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you!?!"
The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by
now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer
screamed up at him, "I'm going to catch up with you and KILL you!!
You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next
to his mouth, and yelled out, "I-laid-your-o-ld-lay-DEE-toooooo!!"

Man walks into a bar.....Monday 23 March

Man walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his head.

The barman looks somewhat shocked to see a big green frog perched on the guys head.

"Blimey!" he exclaims, " How did that happen?"

"Don't know" replies the frog,

"He started as a pimple on my bum this morning"

Mental.................Thursday 26th February

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting:
"13....13....13"
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting:
"14....14....14 ... "

Little Mary Margaret.....Wednesday 25th February

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun,
called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the bum.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ... "What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the
rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted ...

Mrs. Parks...Tuesday 24th February

The first year science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not
be asking us a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the headmistress, who will then sack you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"God, is she going to get into trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil
of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One,
you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three,
one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

How......Saturday 14th February

How do you make your wife cry when you're having sex?
Ring her up and tell her!

door-to-door..........Friday 13th February

A man is carrying out door-to-door market research for a
contraceptive company. He rings the doorbell on a house in a quiet
suburban street and it's answered by this stunningly beautiful blonde
woman who's over six feet tall.
"Good morning madam, I was wondering if you could spare a few minutes
to help me with my market research."
"Sure," she smiles.
"First, we need to know what type of contraception you and your
husband normally use."
"We use the 'wooden box method.'"
He looks up from his clipboard. "That's a new one on me. I've never
heard of the 'wooden box method?' I'll tick the box marked 'other'.
So how does this 'wooden box method' work?"
"Well," she says, "my husband is nearly a foot shorter than I am and
we both love to do it standing up, so he has to stand on a wooden
box."
"I see," says the man, "But how does that serve as a contraceptive?"
"As soon as he tenses and his eyes start to glaze over, I kick the
box out from under him!"

Friendship among Women..........Thursday 12th February

A woman didn't come home one night. The next
morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's
house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew
anything about it.
Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next
morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that
he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

"Who is it?".....Wednesday 11th February

Three female students rent a shared flat on the top floor of the building. The landlord says the place needs a bit of smartening up. He's going to get some of the work done himself, but offers to waive the first month's rent if they re-paint the place.The girls agree. They're glad to save the money and the place does
indeed need brightening up.So off they go to B&Q and return with paint, brushes, rollers, a
ladder and the rest and get to work.
The weather, though, is very hot, and even with the windows open,
they're all finding the heat is hard going.
So one of them says, "Look, we're all friends together, aren't we? So
why don't we just take off our clothes? Nobody will see us if we lock
the door."
The others agree, they all disrobe and carry on painting in the buff.
Then there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" one of them asks.
"Blind man," comes the reply from the other side.
They look at each other. One of them whispers, "There's no harm in
letting him in because he can't see us." So they open the door.
"Ooh, very nice," says the man as he walks into the room. "Now where
do you want me to hang these blinds?"

"Do you know what I think?".......Tuesday 3rd February

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together...
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if
Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No."
Johnny asks: "Do you know what I think...?"
Embarrassed, his mom replies, "I don"t want to hear what you think!
Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
Again, she replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
Still embarrassed, his mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school "
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
For a third time, his mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
But realising it's wrong to stifle childish curiosity, this time
Johnny's mom relents and replies, "OK. Tell me what you think?"
Whereupon, Johnny says: "Well, last night, Fred came to my room for
the Vaseline, and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

A man walks up to his house........... Thursday 18th December

A man walks up to his house and notices his Grandfather sitting on
the porch with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaims. The old man looks at him
and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got
a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

Young Tony............. Friday 5th December

Young Tony, aged five, was staying with his grandmother for a few
days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, "Nanny, what's that called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'NANNY, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds and Tommy's
Mummy wants to talk to you.

More Kids............. Thursday 4th December

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy
age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 8)
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up
her fanny. (Julie age 7).

More Junior School Children Writing About The Sea Thursday 27th November

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better
off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Junior School Children Writing About The Sea Wednesday 26th November

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A strong young man at a construction site........... Monday 24th November

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you
put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's
wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dick Head, get
in."

Three women................... Wednesday 19th November

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night
all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask
over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we
made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mothers house for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner,
Batwoman?'"

John and Mary had only been................. Tuesday 18th November

John and Mary had only been married a few months, but the magic was
already fading.
As John sat at the breakfast table, head buried in the newspaper,
Mary said, "What's wrong? What am I doing wrong? What's missing from
our marriage?"
"Rabbit stew!" he said
"WHAT?!" she asked.
"My mother used to cook the greatest rabbit stew in the world. You
never cook me rabbit stew."
"That's all I have to do?" she cried. "When you get home tonight,
you're going to have the best rabbit stew you ever tasted!"
"Great!" he said as he left for work.
Later that morning, Mary got out her cookery books and looked on the
internet and found a great recipe for rabbit stew. She made her
shopping list and headed for the door, but then the phone rang. It
was her best friend, and she spent the next hour on the phone
gossiping.
Suddenly she realized the time, told her friend she had to go and
jumped in the car and headed for the supermarket.
She got a rabbit from the meat counter, quickly grabbed some
vegetables and spices and rushed through the checkout.
As she ran to the car, she tripped and dropped all her shopping.
Upset and frustrated, and fearing her marriage was now doomed, she
sat inelegantly on the kerb and started to cry.
A drunk walked past and, seeing her crying and seeing the shopping
between her legs said:
"Awww, cheer up love. He would have been an idiot anyway. Look at his ears."

Once upon a time............... Thursday 13th November

Once upon a time, a priest was walking along a river bank, when he
heard a small voice at his feet. "Ahem."
It said, "I am not as I seem, a frog. In fact, I am a Prince, who has
been placed under a spell by a wicked Wizard. Won't you take me home
and look after me?"
So the Clergyman did take the frog home, fed it a saucer of milk,
and, when it was time to sleep, placed it upon his pillow.
Then the frog spoke again. "In fact," it said, "You can break the
spell. If a sufficiently pure-hearted person were to kiss me on top
of my head, before long I would return to my natural form."
The clergyman's heart was touched, and though he was a modest man of
God who was aware of his own failings, he always tried very hard to
be pure of heart, so he kissed the frog on top of its little head,
and went to sleep. And, wonder of wonders, when he awoke in the
morning, the frog was gone, and in its place lay a handsome young
Prince.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence.

A father passing by his son's bedroom.............. Wednesday 12th November

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you.
"I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.
"But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that
we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
any more children.
"Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
"Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
"Love, your son,
"Joshua.
"P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on the kitchen table."

I was walking down the street when......... Tuesday 11th November

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
pounds for some food.
I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine."

Three men were hiking through a forest............... Thursday 6th November

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first
man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river."
Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

A man is in hospital........... Wednesday 5th November

A man is in hospital, and wakes up in his bed after a major
operation. The consultant himself is there waiting for him. "I have
some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news," says the man.
"Well," says the consultant, laughing nervously, "I'm afraid there
was a bit of a mix up during the operation. The fact is that we were
supposed to amputate your left leg, but we took off the right one by
mistake. So tomorrow I'm afraid you're going to have to go back into
theatre and we'll take off the left leg."
"What?!! " says the man. "So what the hell is the good news?"
"This is Mr Jones," he says, pointing to the man lying in the next
bed. "He's offered £20 for your shoes."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar Friday 31st October

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a bottles of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and this
afternoon the doctor confirmed that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She replied: "What a coincidence!"

BJ Thursday 30th October

Kevin comes home from a hard day at work to find his wife has left
him a note saying she's gone shopping and will be back in an hour or
two.
Bored, he sits down at the TV and is channel-hopping when he decides
to watch one of the adult channels.
Soon, he is "taking matters in hand" and he's about to come when
suddenly his wife comes into the room. She immediately drops her
shopping bags, runs over, grabs hold of his thing and gives him a
very satisfying b*** j**. The best one he's ever had, in fact.
Immediately it's over she just goes and picks up the bags and goes
off to the kitchen, leaving Kevin sitting there amazed and stunned.
After a couple of minutes he recovers himself, goes to the kitchen
where his wife is preparing dinner and says: "Thanks. That was
wonderful. But we've not done anything in bed together for five
years, and all of a sudden you do that. What happened?!"
To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I
would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

The biker Wednesday 29th October

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes
of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his motorcycle, runs to the cage and hits the
lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly.
A Guardian reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the
biker, says, "That was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man
do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw
this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from
the Guardian, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the
first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political
affiliation do you have?"
"A Harley Davidson and I am a Conservative "
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The Guardian to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on the first page ... HELLS
ANGEL GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

A What?! Tuesday 28th October

Carol and Linda were out for a Saturday afternoon stroll with their
dogs, a German Shepherd and a Chihuahua. It was a hot day and Carol
said to Linda, "why don't we go into that pub over there for a nice
cool drink?"
"But we have our dogs with us," said Linda. "They won't let us in!"
"Yes they will," said Carol. "Watch ... And do as I do."
They crossed the road, and just before going into the pub, Carol put
her sunglasses on. Linda followed her and put her glasses on too.
Inside the pub, the landlord at the bar raised his hand and said,
"Sorry ladies, I'm afraid we don't allow dogs in here."
"But this is my guide-dog," said Carol, pointing to her German shepherd.
"Oh. I'm very sorry," said the landlord. "I didn't realise they were
using German shepherds as guide dogs. I do apologise. Please come in!"
But then he turned to Linda pointing at her Chihuahua, saying, "But
I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."
"But this is MY guide dog," said Linda.
"Your guide dog is a Chihuahua?" said the landlord, incredulously.
"What!!" said Linda. "A Chihuahua?! The bastards gave me a Chihuahua!!??"

Three tortoises Monday 27th October

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So
Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is
the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get
there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les, give me
the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried and turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home
without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but
he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets
off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are
starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a
rock and shouts...
"I KNEW IT!! ... I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"

Young Love Friday 24th October

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together"
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds those fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, luv," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Grandad. "One's in your tea and
the other is in your porridge!"

The Afterlife Thursday 23rd October

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife.
Her biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his
word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have
sex, I sunbathe, then I have sex - twice, I have lunch, then sex
pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night,
sleep then start all over
again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Cards Wednesday 22nd October

Six elderly Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's pub when Murphy
loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue playing standing up.
O'Connor looks around and says, "Someone's got to tell Paddy's wife.
Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion
is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

And Dont You..................... Tuesday 21st October

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because
she had just got married - for the fourth time! The interviewer asked
her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying
again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was
in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later
on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral
director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she
had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "Well, I married one for the money, two for
the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Error Monday 20th October

The young man had a burning desire to become a great writer. "I want
to write something that the whole world will read, words that will
affect people on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
angry, scream, cry, howl in pain and fury!" he said.
He fulfilled his ambitions by becoming an error message writer for Microsoft.

Clean the toilet Sunday 19th October

Mary and Sandra are discussing how they handle arguments with their husbands.
"Whenever he gets mad at me, or shouts at me, I never get angry of
fight back," says Mary.
"How do you manage that? How can you control your anger," says Sandra.
"Oh, I just go and clean the toilet."
"Clean the toilet?! This man is giving you a hard time and you
respond by doing housework?! It's as though the women's movement
never happened!"
"Maybe," says Mary. "But I use his toothbrush."

Do It Yourself

why not send us your own daily joke afterall they can't be much worse than any of ours

The Boss Saturday 18th October

The boss of a small firm decided to have a party for all the staff
and their families, complete with a very elaborate sit-down meal on
trestle tables in his garden.
As they ate their meal, the boss found himself sitting opposite a
small girl who kept staring at him. She hardly touched her food at
all, but just kept looking. Furtively he checked to see that he
hadn't spilled any food on his shirt, or got a piece of lettuce stuck
on his teeth. He slicked his hair down ... But still the kid stared
at him.
Eventually it all got too much, and he leaned across and with a
friendly smile said: "So why are you staring at me, little girl?"
The whole table fell silent.
She replied: "Daddy says you drink like a fish. I wanted to see how
you do that."

Words Women Use Friday 17th October

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something,"
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing'
usually end in "Fine".
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement, often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks
you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just
say you're welcome.

Ears Thursday 16th October

Little Johnny's neighbours had a new baby, though unfortunately it
had been born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
family was invited over to see it. Before they left the house,
Johnny's dad had a VERY serious talk with him. He explained that the
baby had no ears, and that Johnny must not under any circumstances
say anything about this during the visit. There would be no TV of
computer games FOR A MONTH if he said anything about ears. Johnny
nodded and assured his dad that he understood.
Over at the neighbours' house, Johnny looked in the crib and said,
"What a beautiful baby."
The baby's mother said, "Thank you, Johnny."
Johnny continued, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "The doctor says he has perfect vision."
"That's great," Johnny said, "'cos it'd be a bit rough if he needed
glasses, wouldn't it?"

Show him your card! Wednesday 15th October

A DEFRA inspector called at a farm and told the farmer, "I need to
inspect your cows."
The old farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The inspector said, "I have the authority of the government. See
this card? This card means I am allowed to go anywhere I like on any
agricultural land in England and Wales. Do you understand?"
The farmer nodded, shrugged and carried on with his jobs.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the DEFRA man running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize Hereford bull.
The bull was gaining on the civil servant with every step.
The inspector was terrified, so farmer threw down his tools, ran to
the fence and yelled: "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

maths Tuesday 14th October

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of
production is four fifths of the price, so what is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of
production is four fifths of the price, or £80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of
production is £80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of
production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline
the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class discussion: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? There are no wrong answers.

Speeding fine Monday 13th October

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The officer approaches the
driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I've lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up,
surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your
car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes", and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers
claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the
officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He
looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard said I was speeding, too!"

Sliced Bread Sunday 12th October

Just what was the best thing before sliced bread?

Oh, For Fax Sake!!! Saturday 11th October

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a
thousand words, how powerful is a fax?

Funeral Service Friday 10th October

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a
tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt
and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the vicar and calmly said, "Well, she's
arrived then".

Doctor, Doctor! Thursday 2nd October

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the
neighbour's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and
dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their
sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbour said.
"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!!"

Toilet humour again (!) Wednesday 8th October

Two Scotsmen are walking down a country lane. "Och Duncan" says Jimmy
all of a sudden, "I dinnae half need a shit"
Well, just go behind a bush and do it then," replies his mate.
So Jimmy goes behind a bush, and after a while he shouts, "Have you
got any paper?"
To which Duncan replies, "Och don't be such a tight bastard. Leave it!"

Confession Tuesday 7th October

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that
he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over
and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The
rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for
I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive
me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three
for $5.00."

No Excuses Monday 8th September

A teacher at a college reminded her students of tomorrow's final
exam: "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have
to write the exam with your other hand."

Flies Sunday 5th October

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Monkey Saturday 4th October

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down
a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.
The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your
monkey just urinated in my beer?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

A Man Friday 3rd October

If a man is standing alone in a forest and he says something, and
there is no woman around to hear it ... Is he still wrong?

Mid Life Crisis 22/07/08

It was our 25th wedding anniversary the other day. I took a look at
my wife and I said: "Do you remember, love - 25 years ago, we lived
in a grotty rented flat, drove a clapped-out second-hand car, slept
on a sofabed and watched a ten-inch black and white TV ... But I got
to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a
nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping
with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up
your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me that I should go out
and find a hot 25-year-old blonde to sleep with every night. If I did
this, my wife said, she would personally make sure that I would once
again be living in a grotty rented flat, driving a clapped-out
second-hand car, sleeping on a sofabed and watching a ten-inch black
and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crisis...

"That was Thora Hird."